50 Shades of Offended & The Church

I debated on whether or not I wanted to publish this post. I struggled with wanting to share my thoughts and opinions on the 50 Shades of Grey movie and novel, but my passions got the best of me. I decided that since the movie and novel have offended me, as well as many women, I couldn’t keep quiet, which seems to be what the church has done.

In short I find this novel/movie to be quite offensive and degrading towards women. I believe it gives our popular culture a very skewed and unrealistic view of what love and sex are, and how they are meant to be used. Society is tainted with misguided perceptions of sex, and this popular drama, love story, whatever you want to call it, only adds to these perverted perceptions.

I hope that I don’t offend anyone with what I am about to say. This is not my intention. I did not read the book, nor did I watch the movie, but the summary and movie trailer gave me enough insight as to what this movie/novel is about. I have also listened to and read many reviews of the movie and book as well, and all the hype surrounding it. I don’t have any intention of ever reading the book or watching the movie, as I don’t want to support something that degrades women and encourages such perverted, violent sexual behavior. In part, I blame the church. I will explain why in a second.

I am confident that I can speak for most women when I say being used and abused for sex isn’t what we want, but yet 50 Shades of Grey portrays this behavior as okay. I don’t get turned on by aggressive behavior by my husband and would never put up with a violent sexual appetite, and I would assume most women don’t and wouldn’t either. I don’t even get turned on by lines like “give me sex woman.” My husband has never, ever said that or anything like it, but I have heard it from other men.

Sex is not supposed to be driven by lust and violence, as this movie so eloquently makes it seem it is. Sex is an intimate, romantic, passionate act between husband and wife. If my husband were to treat me violently and as if my body is all his to do with as he pleases, I wouldn’t feel turned on or want to be intimate with him.

I think this infographic depicts the lies of 50 Shades of Grey perfectly

Instead, I am turned on by his desire to serve me (he’s probably blushing if he’s reading this). I am more turned on by his selflessness, his kind words when he arrives home from work, the way he interacts with our daughter, cares for her, helps me with her, and plays with her, the way he does the dishes when he’s not asked, or folds the laundry, the way he honors and cherishes me, surprises me with flowers or a note, or my favorite dark chocolate. In short, I am turned on by his selflessness, his character, and his integrity. If he were to ever get pushy with me and rough, I can tell you one thing, sex ain’t happening.

Sex is enjoyed by both partners when they understand it’s an act of intimacy and selflessness, only meant to be shared by the one you love. It’s enjoyed when the husband honors, respects, and is gentle with his wife, and when the wife gives selflessly back to her husband, loving him. Both parties are involved and both parties can enjoy what was intended for good.

For women we want more than just the act of sex. We don’t want to be used for our bodies, and feel as if we are just a piece of meat. That our husbands/boyfriends, can do whatever they want with us, that they own us, that our bodies are their toys. This is a perverted view of sex. We, women, value and cherish the intimacy of sex and romanticism. Remember, we’re typically not turned on by rough, violent, pushy sexual appetites, rather by acts of service and selflessness, gentle caresses, and kind, genuine words.

No wonder relationships are failing and young adults and teenagers have such a skewed perception of sex. We have stories like 50 Shades of Grey showing it’s okay to use and abuse women, it’s okay to be violent, it’s okay to use her for sex, it’s okay that he hurts me if I don’t give him what he wants. Society has made sex out to be something that women have to do for men. It’s all that men want, so “I better just give him sex to make him happy,” make him love me more. I know, because I believed this. How is this a passionate, intimate act for both parties involved? It’s not. Not when sex is used in such a perverted way.

God created sex, so it’s supposed to be a good thing, enjoyed by both. God doesn’t create something that will hurt someone, or that is used for one’s pleasure, but another’s displeasure. We created this version of sex. Society, popular culture did. And the church has failed at teaching and talking about sex. The church has stood by and let our culture define sex.

Something God intended for the marriage couple has been perverted and twisted. Marc and I chose to remain pure until we were married. We guarded our hearts, and I felt more loved by him, because he was never pushy for sex or never measured our love by the lack of sex. He knew sex was not intended only for his pleasure, and he knew that I didn’t have to willingly give it to him whenever he wanted it. We did this out of love, respect and honor for each other.

I can be the first to admit, I had a perverted view of sex. I was scared to death of it. I stressed about it, and didn’t look forward to our wedding night. I thought it was my wifely duty to have sex. Not for my enjoyment, but for his. My perception was entirely wrong.

God created sex. He made Adam and realized that Adam needed a helpmate, thus created Eve, and said this is a good thing. They were naked in the garden, so we know what happens next. A whole book in the Bible was dedicated to sex and intimacy (Song of Solomon), so why doesn’t the church ever want to speak about something God created? Maybe there wouldn’t be such a perverse view of sex, if we did.

Because of culture’s perversion and perceptions of sex and intimacy, it’s viewed as the norm to be rough. To exploit women, use women to get what you want. Women are viewed as objects. Love is measured by sex. When really men are called to honor women, respect them, protect them, and cherish them.

Christians are viewed as anti-sex. You constantly hear them say “don’t have sex” “stay pure” “guard each other’s heart,” but you never hear why. I grew up thinking sex was a bad thing because of this. What the church should be doing is talking about sex. Encouraging sex, by explaining where sex is intended in a relationship: marriage, and how it’s intended: intimacy on a much deeper level shared only with the one you love and pleasureable for both parties.

Instead we have allowed culture to take sex, turn it into lust, violent fanaticism, and one sided, taking out the intimacy, romanticism, honor and purity it is. We don’t value how it’s an act of love and intimacy that reveals our deepest selves to the only one we have committed our lives to. It is such an intimate act, that should only be shared between two people, vulnerable to only each other. It’s something only I share with my husband, a part of our relationship that sets our relationship apart from our relationship with others.

I am a wife now and I can honestly say sex is fun. I have never felt used for sex, or felt my love was measured by how much I give of my body, as it shouldn’t be. Sex is something we do out of love for one another and to share our deepest intimacy. It’s enjoyable for both and an important part of our relationship. It is not used to gain love, manipulate and satisfy violent sexual appetite.

I am saddened by the exploitation of sex in our society. To be used to satisfy a violent sexual appetite, driven by lust, and used for another’s gain. I am disappointed with the church’s silence on the subject, and their lack of voice in how it was intended and where it was intended. I am offended by 50 Shades of Grey, and whatt it promotes and encourages. I pray my daughter(s) are never subjected to such a perverse view of sex. I pray they are not viewed as objects.

Until Next Time Be Whole and Fit