The Envy Inside Me

I open my eyes wishing to see a new reality.

Wanting more.

The loneliness inside, the desire for more, tugs at me.

I see others driving a new car & suddenly my car isn’t enough.

I see others in a bigger house with a nice yard, furniture and kitchen & suddenly my house isn’t enough.

I see some with the newest technology & suddenly my iPhone and computer isn’t enough.

I see the latest trends worn by other moms & suddenly my wardrobe isn’t cute enough.

The envy inside of me tugs again…..

I want what others have. I dream about what others have.

The envy inside of me tugs again even more….

“If only my house was bigger, my car newer, my clothes trendier, my income larger, well then I would be happy. This loneliness inside of me, this want for more, would die, would be quenched.”

I give in, buy more expecting wants to vanish and the desires for more to die…..

I give in and the pile of material things, some unused, others useless grows larger.

More stuff…and still more stuff….material things expected to quench the hunger inside.

Instead the fire grows larger, the loneliness deeper, the desires bigger.

The envy inside of me tugs more……and then more….

The ugliness inside of me spews outward….jealousy, bitterness, envy

Wanting what’s not mine.

Acting like I don’t have enough.

With more I would be happier….With more I would be less stressed…..With more I would be a better mom, wife & friend.

Instead with more I become more empty, selfish, jealous, ungrateful & critical.

Ugly.

The envy inside of me tugs still more…..

With more material things, happiness isn’t found.

With more, loneliness isn’t filled.

With more, life isn’t better.

The envy inside of me tugs even more….

I ask “why, why have I been dealt this hand…..”

A voice whispers “You are enough.”

The envy inside of me says, “but you don’t have enough.”

 A voice whispers “You have been made whole in Me.”

The envy inside of me says, “but you haven’t scored big in this world.”

A voice whispers “The world and it’s desires pass away, but YOU doing my will live on forever.”

All we have on Earth, doesn’t go with us when we die, rather turns to dust.

Yet my soul longs for more…

There’s emptiness to material things…fullness never to be found.

Feeding my flesh with worldly things…..more emptiness, more hunger….a hunger never quenched.

Where is wholeness found? Fullness?

I find fullness in Him.

The grass withers, flowers fade, but His word endures FOREVER…..stands FOREVER

Brought to fullness in Him……

Made complete in HIM…..

Only He can quench my thirst, feed my spirit, fill my loneliness, provide my needs

The envy inside of me fades……

Wants vanish, needs met, my desires HIS desires

The envy inside of me fades still more….

His grace is sufficient.

The envy inside of me fades even more….

They shall hunger no more……

The envy inside of me gone…..

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways are not your ways……my ways are higher than yours, my thoughts bigger…”

My soul cries “Fill me up God”

Desires for more of this world diminish

The source of complete fullness, complete joy, complete love found in Him

Suddenly joy brings a blessed home

Suddenly joy brings a lasting car

Suddenly joy brings gratefulness, contentment

Joy in Him, His promises, His faithfulness, His love…..fullness

Joy in Him brings Kingdom wealth

“Has He not chosen those who are poor in the world’s eyes to be rich in faith & a Kingdom inheritance promised to those who Love Him”

A love for Him….not a love of money

A love for Him….not a love of more, of worldly things

A fullness in HIM….found only in Him

His grace is sufficient.