A Little (Big) Fear for what comes after Marriage

Hi friends!!

I am back for Colorado and trying to get back into the swing of things. I am getting married in less than 2 weeks (11 days to be exact) and I have so much on my mind.

I have to be honest, there’s a lot about marriage I am nervous for and there’s a lot about marriage I can’t wait for!! I am so excited to wake up every morning next to my best friend. Excited to cook my lovely man dinner and treats. Excited to go on morning runs with my best friend whenever I want. Excited to have a continuous sleepover. Excited to travel with my man. Excited to spend the rest of my life with him. And the list continues…..

I don’t think nerves are entirely a bad thing. Who doesn’t get nervous about their big day?! Maybe I am being too honest, but it’s been on my heart for so long and I think it’s wise to share struggles (they could help the next person). We are all human and we all have fears. I have learned that fear isn’t something we should allow into marriage. Fear destroys dreams, relationships, and plans. It’s a serious evil and one I struggle with.

You see, ever since getting engaged, I have had this nagging fear. Upon getting engaged it became a serious problem.

Marc and I have chose to remain pure until marriage. Surprisingly, this has been easy for me. I was never tempted. Not because I am not attracted to Marc, but because I am so nervous or scared to have sex. Okay, there I said it (which is a step ahead, there were days when I couldn’t even mutter the word sex).

Through months of internal struggles and trying to mentally prepare myself for our wedding night (if that’s even possible), I think I have finally figured out why sex is a fear of mine. After months of discussions with my sister, mother, close friends and mentors, and reading books meant to prepare young couples for their special night, I can honestly say, I have figured out the root of my fear…..INSECURITY and Perfectionism!!

Maybe I haven’t fully loved my body. Okay, I will be honest and say I don’t fully love my body. Sometimes what I see in the mirror isn’t what others see. I know all my imperfections, the ones hidden under clothes, the ones not noticed or seen by others. Those imperfections I don’t want to be seen by anyone, not even my amazing man. I am insecure about my body, mad it’s not perfect. You might think this sounds crazy since I have never had to worry about my weight or count calories. I could eat anything I wanted and remain thin. Thank my parents!! All things considered, I am still self-conscious.

I don’t want to be seen naked and obviously this is an issue if I ever want to be intimate with my future husband. Abstinence in marriage just doesn’t work, and it shouldn’t. I don’t want to bare all, because all those imperfections are seen: my small chest, my less than perfect abs, my bigger thighs, my flat butt (and the list continues).  Maybe it’s stupid to think I won’t be as attractive to Marc once I bare all, but I do. It’s stupid to even have these thoughts, because I know Marc loves me. 

Love is so much about intimacy with your spouse, giving all to the other person. I obviously love Marc and I don’t want to lose out of an important component of marriage. I am left asking myself, “Is my love for Marc greater than my fear of sex?” Greater than my insecurities? This may sound silly, but I have a choice. I wrote a post on love a couple months back, describing how love is a choice.

Fear is a choice as well. I can chose to fear sex, missing out on all that God intended for us in our marriage, missing out on a even closer relationship with Marc….or I can chose love. An agape love, selfless and serving. Love is all about serving. Love thinks of the other person, before thinking of one’s self. I want to serve my husband and love him unconditionally. I want our relationship to be strong and unlike any other relationship we have with any other person.

Sex is something only to be shared between you and your spouse. Upon marriage, you and your husband have something only you have with each other, intimacy on a much deeper level. This is an important component of your relationship, which separates your relationship with each other from any other relationship. It’s something only you share.

Even though Marc and I have discussed this subject countless times, I couldn’t truly trust he wouldn’t judge me. Finally, I have realized how stupid I have been. I know without a doubt, Marc would never judge my appearance. I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that what I see as imperfections, aren’t even visible to my future husband, nor will they ever be. Marc has way to much respect and honor for me.

Even with all the rules and guidelines I made for Marc and I’s future intimate relationship, he never complained, argued, or got bitter. He’s reminded me many times how much he loved me. Maybe it was his reassurance, his honor that calmed my fears. Maybe it was the countless conversations with close friends and family. Maybe it was the millions of prayers I muttered. Whatever it was, I can say that I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. Learning to bare all. Learning to love Marc with an agape love, a love that wants to serve him always. A love that wants to show intimacy and affection. Will it feel awkward at first baring all? I don’t doubt it. Am I still nervous? You betcha. But it’s different. I am excited, don’t know what to expect type of nervous. Not a scared, totally never what to do it EVER nervous, fear.

Okay, so maybe that was too much honesty. But I have to be real. It’s evident that what we consider little insecurities, can actually be creating big fears. Fears that can ruin relationships, dreams and plans. Fears that can overtake love. Knowing that God created sex and made it to be enjoyed between you and your spouse, allows me to accept nakedness as normal. I shouldn’t be ashamed of being naked with my husband. I am created in His image, fearfully and wonderfully made.

 

As I learn to love my body, I can love Marc with an even greater love. Fear isn’t going to steal from Marc and I’s relationship. That little voice that has tormented me throughout our engagement can stick it.

Thoughts?