I often find myself, especially lately, thinking “what if…..” What if I would have done this or taken this job, or went to this school. It seems that whenever I am facing a problem or challenge or maybe just having a bad day, my mind begins to wonder. And sometimes the wondering takes me to places I shouldn’t.
In life we are faced with many decisions, some small compared to others, but still important. From who we marry to where we’ll attend college, buy a house or even attend church or what race we’ll do next. Even in those seemingly less important decisions, our life changes. Sometimes the decision to chose this race over another can open doors to new relationships and friends. And what we thought was just a small decision becomes a choice we are grateful for.
While other choices we don’t think of as so lucky. Instead we, or at least for me, let our mind wonder “what if….” Sometimes the “what ifs” of our lives can be dangerous, and can rob our joy, relationships, time, and dreams. It’s a slippery slope when drifting to “what ifs” and usually only brings hurt, regret, pain and bitterness.
Whenever I mutter those words I try to stop the thought from going even further. My mom and good friend tell me “Don’t even go there.” It’s already been done; the decisions already made. Now we focus on today.
It’s hard. My “what if” moments began we I found myself already 2 months pregnant 6 months into marriage. We had been married 4 months, with plans to at least wait 4 years before having kids and maybe just adopt, not having any of our own. The unexpected, the unplanned, and at the time the unwelcomed happened.
It was easy to fall into the trap of thinking of what could have been. I found myself constantly saying to myself “What if I would have went to law school and moved to the east coast instead of staying in Washington.” “What if I would have gone to an in state school on a full ride academic scholarship instead of a private university I dreamed of attending, which subsequently gave me loan debt.” “What if I would have waited to get married.” “What if I would have taken a job as a journalist.” What if, what if, what if……..
All the could have, would have, should haves drove me crazy. I turned bitter towards family, my single friends, and even my husband. I felt that all my dreams and plans were shattered. I messed up, because of one small decision years ago.
You see that one small decision may pave the way for bigger decisions and opportunities. That one small decision changed my life. And at the time I hated myself for it. I wished I could go back.
Until my good friend Lisa and my mom bluntly told me to stop. To quit dwelling on what could have been, because it’s not. It’s like they gently slapped me and I woke up to reality. That reality was I was married, not in law school, not living on the east coast, not a fancy journalist, not single. I had something better, and I couldn’t see if because of my wanting to live in the past. It took me well over a year to accept this. Even after R arrived I still hadn’t, really until recently.
I began a new thought process. A way to give my “what ifs” a taste of their own medicine if you will. I decided that whenever my mind wondered to another “what if” I would counter it. What if we fought back to our what ifs of life, by simply playing along or taking a stab at them.
You see if I would have gone to law school back east, I probably wouldn’t have met my husband. So I wouldn’t have started this blog, which means I may not have formed new friendships with other blogger and runners who are dear friends now. I wouldn’t have ran a 200 mile relay with the best team of girls, who found me through this blog (remember this blog wouldn’t have been on the map). I wouldn’t be a mom to Baby R. I wouldn’t be practicing and studying nutrition, a passion of mine. I may not even be in the kitchen as much creating new recipes. I wouldn’t have been a nanny to 3 wonderful families I think of as family. I love all 6 of those boys. I wouldn’t have had the relationship I do with my nephews (since they live 25 minutes from me). And the list could go on.
Sure I have student loan debt, I was pregnant in 4 months instead of 4 years, I don’t have the house first then kids, I am not living in Boston, and I’m not a lawyer (who would probably be working 80 hour weeks with no life anyways). But all of this is worth it. Why, because “what if I would have went to Law school.” Well I may not be married to Marc and a mom to R. I couldn’t imagine life without them.
Sure it’s tough and I still have “what if” moments, but now I think of all that could have been and all that I could have lost. Those could haves, would haves, should haves, come with a price. My price would have been a lost husband, daughter, friends, and a family far far away. It may have been fun and adventurous, but it wouldn’t have brought the joy I have now being a mother to R, a wife to Marc and a nutritionist making messes in the kitchen.
My dreams aren’t gone, just a little delayed or reshaped. Who knows maybe law schools in my future, but for now I have a more important role and one I wouldn’t trade for anything, even that dream house in Boston. I am a mom, wife and nutritionist. I have learned my value isn’t in my career, education or size of house. My value is in Christ and what I am doing for His kingdom. And right now that’s raising a child to serve Him, being a Godly wife, and inspiring others to be healthy and whole.
I am pursuing another passion of my, nutrition, health and fitness, the whole person if you will. Something I thought of as a hobby, can be so much more.
So the next time a “what if” pops in, tell it you’d miss all the joy and blessings you have now if you chose that path and there’s not turning back, only moving forward. It’s not worth it.
Until Next Time Be Whole and Be Fit
Do have any regrets? Any “what ifs” you sometimes welcome? Do you every think of what could have been? Thoughts?