Waiting on Dreams

So much has been weighing on my heart lately and when this happens I use running to process it all. Now that I have been running less, due to a injury, I need another way to process my thoughts and feelings. I put them down on pen and paper, and now I have decided to share them here. At times vulnerability is a good thing, and helps us all to be more real and open.

The less mileage I do, the harder it becomes. I absolutely love running during the Fall, but I tried to do a 8 mile run on Saturday and it about killed me. I finished the 8 miles, but barely. I was in so much pain and it wasn’t enjoyable. In a few more weeks I plan to take some time off completely from running, and will try to find something else to fill my time, without driving myself and my family crazy. I am already going crazy at 30 miles a week. I have a love/hate relationship with cross country.

I love that it gives me an excuse to keep running, but I hate that it’s making my leg suffer more pain and damage. Running has been my release for so many things, and has been a therapy I need daily. Some mom’s crave their coffee or caffeine to keep them sane, I crave a nice run!! So with less running, comes more stress and wandering thoughts and less time to process it all. I didn’t start the post to rant about not being able to run as much, but to instead share some of my struggles and dreams.

For many years I have wanted to adopt children, and lots of children. I have a heart for adoption you could say, and I hate to see so many children without families, homes, food, clothing, and medical attention. Any time I hear about children starving and suffering, or see photos and news clips about the diseases and death tolls of children, my heart breaks. I feel I am doing nothing to help.

I have struggled with waiting to adopt. I haven’t fully started the adoption process yet, but so many times I want to dive right in. Financially, at this point in our lives, it’s not an option, and on top of that we don’t have the space for another child. This frustrates me to no end. Adoption is a huge financial commitment, especially when adopting out of the country. Being content has become so hard for me, because I want to help these children. There have been times children have come into our lives, and I have done what we can to help them, but not being able to take them in for longer stents kills me.

Adoption isn’t easy either. It comes with physical, emotional and mental abuse. Most of the children needint good homes have been abused, neglected, malnourished, and rejected. Even at young ages, they have baggage they carry with them. Maybe this is why I love the thought of adoption, because I am always up for a challenge. I want to be challenged to love more and to love like Christ does. After all, love conquers all.

It’s been weighing heavy on my heart and I have beat myself up a lot over it. Telling myself I am not doing enough and I have failed to help so many, when in reality this isn’t entirely true. Instead of sulking and feeling defeated, I am trying to change my mindset. I make it a point to be thankful of what I do have, and for the resources I have now that can help. Prayer being one.

For those children I have and have had in my life, I continue to pray for them and stay in contact with them. I pray for those children that need homes, miracles, food, families and protection. I pray for the millions of orphans in our country and around the world, and I pray for those missionaries and individuals working to bring these children help and resources.

Even though it’s not my time to adopt yet, I am preparing my heart for when it is my time and praying for our family to be love and to show love to those we WILL adopt. Sometimes when are dreams are realized in our timing, we become defeated and we give up. My dream of adopting children has short of come to this. I was almost to the point of just throwing in the towel and giving up on my dream of adopting, but now I am slowly conquering my own doubts and believing in that dream again.

Taking the small steps I can now, will only help to prepare me for those big steps down the road. It may not be tomorrow, next month or even next year, but eventually we will be signing those adoption papers and our house will be loud, crazy, and vibrant and our hearts will be even more FULL!!

Thanks for being a listening ear. That felt good to get off my chest.

Until Next Time Be Whole and Be Fit

What’s been weighing on your heart lately? How do you keep your dreams alive?