It’s Fly to Boston Day!!
As you know Marc and I are heading to Boston, and are on our flight and happily on our way as you are reading this. I didn’t want to forget about my readers, so I thought I would leave you with some news that changed my life and changed my running plans.
I decided to wait until Boston to share it, because I was processing it all and trying to get used to the reality. I have been slowly telling people….slowly…..
You may or may not know, but I am working on running a sub 3 hour marathon, and chasing the dream of qualifying for the Olympic trials in the future (a big DREAM). I was hoping to break 3 hours this summer or spring, and was well on my way……. (PR of 3:05)
And then 5 weeks ago, almost exactly, I was urged to take a test that changed the world around me……
I had been feeling nauseous, throwing up, extremely weak and tired all the time, and I couldn’t figure out why. I skipped a period and thought it was no big deal, because I do that all the time when I am in training and do high mileage. Then my boobs starting to ache and started to grow (TMI).
I finally broke down and listened to family and took a test. I peed on the stick, it instantly turned blue and I welled up with tears and balled for hours.
I didn’t want to believe it. I selfishly saw my world crumble before me…no sub-3 hour marathon, no 50k this summer, no fun trips with the hubby before the “kids.” We had been married barely 6 months at this point. I took another test and again BLUE.
I yelled at God and asked “Why?” As horrible as this sounds, I wanted to know “why me? why are you punishing me?!” Yes, I said it. I didn’t want to get pregnant. In fact, Marc and I were very careful at avoiding pregnancy. I wasn’t ready for a baby. I don’t graduate from my Master’s program until the end of November. My husband is going back to school, I was going to do this and this before we had kids, I wanted school loans paid off before kids….
Don’t get me wrong I love kids!! I just wanted 3-4 years of marriage without kids. Children are a huge responsibility and I wasn’t ready for one. I am just being real with how I felt when I read the pregnancy test (bare with me).
I called a good friend and poured out my heart. I told no one but her and Marc. That next week I did blood work, and the Doctor called me back and made it all a reality. I asked “are you sure blood is 100% accurate?” Of course she said yes. My hormones were so high she said I was probably 8-9 weeks already. I still didn’t want to believe it.
I came in for an ultrasound at exactly 9 weeks. Hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time, that moment made it real. I knew this was it, I was pregnant. The doctor told me I was 9 weeks exactly, gave us the due date, October 24th, and we started all the required paperwork and appointments. I was trying hard to accept the fact that a month after our 1 year anniversary we would have a child.
I told another close friend, but I wasn’t ready to tell family. I knew everyone would be so excited and I wasn’t ready for their excitement. I needed time with my fears and emotions I guess. I needed to accept the fact my world was changing.
It’s funny how when you plan and wait for a child, your reaction to a pregnancy test is so different. I desperately wanted it to read negative, but if I was trying to get pregnant I would have wanted a positive. I didn’t want anything to come in the way of chasing my dreams, not now. How could I could I be pregnant, we were smart, we used protection, I tracked my ovulation……I was on a roller coaster of emotions for weeks.
God has other plans for my life. My little Bean growing inside of me is a miracle, a blessing. I am carrying a special gift. It took some time to realize this, really until recently, which is why I waited to share it with all of you.
Yes my world is changing, but God’s ways are higher than my ways, His plans bigger and better. I am learning to trust Him more. Trust Him for the finances, the time to finish school and raise a baby, the strength, the wisdom….
At first, God was the last person on my list I wanted to confide in, besides yelling at Him and blaming Him for my “misfortune” more of the “How could you…” I know pretty ballsy of me, but I have learned to be real with my God. When I was finally ready to surrender to Him a week ago, He met me with His amazing grace.
I didn’t want to get pregnant, but I never said I didn’t want my little Bean. I was just dealing with so many emotions, and the hormones didn’t help. I love this baby growing inside of me. This little Bean is ours now, and I have the privilege of watching him/her grow and raising him/her to be strong man/woman of God. Watching him/her chase their dreams. And to be completely honest I still have my fears.
I know God has plans. I know He holds me in His hands. I know this baby will do great and mighty things. Our baby, yes will change our world and lives, and our world will never be the same, but it will be worth it. My life is already changed….
My dreams may be on hold for now, but I am young and have many years to chase my PR’s, and now I have an additional person to share my triumphs and victories with. I am a mother now, and as scary as it is to say that at the young age of 24, it also gives me confidence.
The news that put a bump in my running, is some of the greatest news I could have ever received it just took some time to see that and is slowly taking time to get used to. And I know this bump won’t last forever…..
Signed, Baby Mama
P.S. in case you were wondering I am 13 weeks prego exactly today and patiently awaiting for my morning sickness to end permanently!!