I wake up wondering, today will I be visible? Seen and recognized.
I am losing myself, my identity….
No one has noticed I didn’t get breakfast, my teeth aren’t brushed, and I am unshowered because there’s been no time. It’s noon & no shower. I’m still in my pajamas. I haven’t slept in months, there’s rings under my eyes, they’re puffy and red. My energy is waning. Sometimes my only human interaction is with a grunting infant and a babbling toddler.
Sometimes I wonder, does anyone notice? Does anyone care?
No one sees me cooking, cleaning toilets, changing diapers and mopping the floors. Doing countless loads of laundry, folding and putting away. I sometimes want to scream, “Can’t you see I am busy. I am doing. I am trying!!”
But to them I’m just a personal butler or nanny. I am dressing people, feeding them and taking them to their different destinations. I am cooking and cleaning up after them, bathing them & applying bandaids. An endless cycle.
Some days I am nothing more than a fridge, a bed, a vacuum, and a burp cloth. My hands are only used to wipe butts, wash cabinets, use a broom, wipe snot and tears, wash dishes, and pick up dolls. I am spit up on, screamed at and smeared with food.
These hands used to hold books and write. I used these hands to write passionately and to turn the pages of history books, medical research, and my Bible. These eyes were glued to pages and pages of nutrition articles and political debates and research.
I was a passionate learner and book reader. I studied history and nutrition, researched medicine, philosophers and disease and was versed in politics. I was valedictorian of my class, involved in social justice, a master’s student graduate with honors, a professional in the work place.
All of this disappeared into sleepless nights, puffy eyes and screaming rants……
Why I am here? What am I doing? Who am I? Does it all even matter? Why even do it? What day is it even? Does it ever end?
And then I hear a still small voice saying: “I see you. I see your sleepless nights and your endless sacrifices made everyday for your children and family. I notice you when no one else seems to. You are valued and worthy. You have been given one of the toughest jobs, raising the next generation. I see you loving your children and bringing them up in Christ. No butts you have wiped, no bandaids you’ve applied, no lullaby you’ve sung, no cookies you’ve made, no toy you have fixed, no tear you have wiped is too small for Me to notice. It brings Me great joy. I see you care for your family. I see you work endlessly. You are caring for My chosen seed. You are helping in building a destiny, a chosen generation, you just can’t see it’s end result yet.”
Some how it’s all worth it. My invisible self, becomes visible. I am not lost, gone….going……
I am a mom……CHOSEN!!